Thank You For Your Comments

Thanks to my fellow bandsters for your comments on my previous post. Your thoughts on how to know what is enough or too much food for a bandster to eat are running through my head. But, without trying to make excuses, I really do feel like I'm not able to eat enough; it doesnt seem to matter what I try - pasta, omelette, fish, crackers, cheese, ham - after just a couple of mouthfuls I'm full and/or (very) uncomfortable. I really think I should be able to eat more than two mouthfuls for at least three reasons: 1) I need my little boy to see me eat a sensible amount of food, without having to get up from the table to walk around and help the food go down or dash off to the bathroom. I want him to see me enjoy food rather than being stressed over it; I don't want him to think that Mummy has issues around food. 2) I need to eat more 'proper' food from a nutrition aspect. My gums are starting to recede and my hair is getting thin. These things could be coincidental, or they could be a result of my poor diet. 3) I want and need to be able to enjoy food again. For my own sanity. I want to know when I sit down to a meal at home or in a restaurant that I'm going to be able to eat a sensible (bandster) size portion. I am also suffering from heartburn and I know that's definitely not right. So, it's time for an unfill. Maybe 0.25mls, maybe 0.5mls. And then I'll have to see where things go.

Me vs The Band; Me vs Food

That's how it feels at the moment; I'm either battling the band, or I'm battling food. Whichever it is, I'm not happy or comfortable and I've booked an appointment with my surgeon for an unfill.

It's been just over a year now since I was at a good level of restriction; since then I've had a 2ml unfill and two 0.5ml fills. After the 2ml unfill (the day before B00Bs 2011) I felt immediate relief from the tightness I'd been putting up with/had grown accustomed to and I ate and ate like it was going out of fashion (and boy, did I enjoy it!) Obviously I then needed a fill (or two) to bring me back in line and I thought I'd got there, but in the last couple of months (possibly more because, yet again, I've been putting up with it) the band has got tight again, the heartburn is back and I'm PBing too much. What seems to happen with me as far as fills go is that they can take weeks, if not months, to actually take effect; so really what I need is a fill that initially feels too loose, but which can then tighten up to a good level of restriction over time. Or at least I hope that's what will happen.

I used to love food. Well, that's an obvious statement. I wouldn't have got to 18st 10lbs (262lbs) if I didn't love food. And I still want to love food, but at the moment I just can't enjoy 'proper' food or look forward to enjoying a 'proper' meal. My thoughts are always 'Will I be able to eat it?'; 'How many mouthfuls before I get uncomfortable?'; 'What will I have to do to make things comfortable? walk around, PB, stop after just two bites?' I can't enjoy going out for a meal as I'm too busy worrying about whether there will be anything I can eat on the menu, whether I'll be able to make an excuse mid-meal to go to the bathroom, whether I'll look odd just eating a couple of bites.

I need to start eating proper food again; right now given the choice between a couple of mouthfuls of proper food and the risk of PBing, or eating chocolate/biscuits or some other slider food, I'm taking the easy route and heading straight for the slider foods. Hence, even though I'm too tight I'm not actually losing any weight. I still hover between 13st 11lbs and 13st 13lbs (that's a loss of 3-5lbs from the highest weight I reached after having the big unfill.) Just goes to show that being too tight is about as useful as being too loose when it comes to the band.

It's never easy is it? Seems that lots of us bandsters who are 2-3 years out are suffering in one way or another. Let's hope things get sorted for all of us, one way or another.

Off on holiday

We're off on a family holiday tomorrow to Spain.

Looking forward to a holiday in the sun where I won't feel uncomfortable in the heat (I hope!) I even bought some new holiday clothes, which is virtually unheard of - a strapless dress and some three-quarter length trousers - get me!

I still haven't got round to booking an unfill, but I think I probably will when I get back from my hols. I've got nothing to lose (if you'll pardon the pun); my weight is pretty static - hovering around the 13st 11lbs (193lbs) mark - even though I'm not eating all that much. Perhaps I need to be able to eat more (more good stuff that is), in order to kick start the weightloss again.

Hope you are all well out there in banded blogland; I don't write much on this blog these days as there's so little to say, but I do keep up with you all. My other blog is updated almost daily though since 'real' life carries on apace!

Found Some of My Pre-Weight Loss Trousers...

...and slipped them on. Literally. Didn't need to undo the button/zip. Just slipped them up over my hips. And then had to hang on to them for dear life so as not to scare any small children in the area (aka my darling son who happened to be in the room and said something extreeeeemly sweet [considering he's only three years old] 'Mummy, those are too big'. Good boy; you're a keeper.)

I wanted to take some photos to share with you but since the small boy was in the room I only got the chance to snap two very quickly, and in the second one of those you can see he's hanging on to/pulling my hand, hence the blurry shot (and was saying, in that way that children do, 'Mummy, come downstairs with me, pleeeeeeease'). Anyhoo, I think these two quick shots give you some idea of what has happened in the two-plus years since I had to wear these trousers - 5 stone (70lbs) and five dress sizes to be precise. Yeeeee-haw.

Bank Holiday Musings

It's a Bank Holiday here in the UK today; so we get to enjoy a three-day weekend as we celebrate May Day. As usual the weather is, let's say, unpredictable. This morning it was raining; now we have lovely warm sun, tempered by gusts of wind.

Anyway, on to my musings. I'm still debating whether to get an small unfill.
Reasons to get an unfil:
1) The heartburn still keeps getting me; it's unexpected and unpredictable. I had it quite a bit yesterday (not enough to need any medication, but enough to know it was there and for it to be annoying); other days I get none.
2) Sometimes I struggle to eat regular food; or enough regular food to consititute a meal that will keep me full for several hours
3) As a result of 2) I turn to snacking on crapola
4) Snacking on crapola is becoming a bad habit

Reasons to not get an unfill:
1) There are some days when I can eat a lot. For instance, on Friday evening we went out for a meal with friends and I ate Thai chicken broth for starter; a large piece of salmon with broccoli and a haddock/potato brandade (ie deep fried ball of fish and potato!) for main course; and a Banoffee Eton Mess for dessert. Yep, three courses. All washed down with half a bottle of wine. I was amazed.
2) I'm worried that my habit of snacking on crapola will continue alongside being able to eat more if I get an unfill.
3) If no. 2) goes on too long I'll put on weight.

Where has the lovely 'green spot' gone? I'm sure I got it about a year ago, then the band went all tight on me and since then I just can't seem to get things right. Bum-diddly-bum.

Busted! And thank you to Sarah.

Those of you who are "friends" with me on FaceB00k will have seen this already, but I want to share it here too. It's a little conversation I had with my darling boy (aged 3 years and 1 month); it went like this

Arthur: 'I want a Mummy biscuit.'
Me: 'What's a Mummy biscuit?'
Arthur: 'It's got chocolate on it.'

Totally busted.

(But don't lecture me on setting a bad example to my child. No doubt there are plenty of other things I do that are even worse and he's destined to be a chocolate-eating sociopath/psycopath with no teeth.)

And talking of being busted, here's a very pertinent comment that Sarah left after my last post where I moaned about not being able to eat (enough) 'proper' food and turning to sliders (ie chocolate) instead:

"Are you eating the chocolate because you can't eat anything else or telling yourself you can't eat anything else so you can eat the chocolate?"

And, do you know what, that hadn't even occured to me. Talk about a lightbulb moment. Ever since I read Sarah's comment I've been making much more of an effort to eat 'proper' food, and actually think about what/how I'm eating rather than simply turning to the chocolate because I expect to have an issue and therefore think it's not even worth trying. And as a result, I ate some fish for dinner on Monday evening, 3/4 of a cheese sandwich for lunch yesterday, and half a pepper, cheese, ham and onion omelette for dinner last night. And I ate a LOT less chocolate as a result.

Sometimes I wonder about where my band brain has gone!

Confused. Sometimes Frustrated

My band is frustrating me at the moment. It seems to have gone into 'too tight' mode again; or at least what I consider to be 'too tight'. It's not so bad that I can't still eat and/or drink. It fact it's not so bad that I can't even do both at the same time (if I'm very careful.) It's just that it feels that I've slipped into that mode of not being able to eat enough of the good foods and therefore I'm supplementing my intake with sliders (mostly in the form of chocolate.)

Is this just wishful thinking: what I'd like to be able to do is eat more of what I consider to be 'proper' food - you know, fruit, veg, meat, everyday foods - in order to get some more nutrients/goodness in my system, and in the hope that it will stop me eating so much crapola. But, is it wishful thinking? If I have a very small unfill, will I eat more good things, or simply eat even more crapola? Dare I take the chance?! The last time I had an unfill, when things had got really, really tight, I went crazy in the eating department and managed to gain 24lbs in about 12 weeks. That. Is. Not. Good.

However, the other thing that is frustrating me is that depsite having good (or is it too much?) restriction, I've only managed to shed 6 of those pesky 24lbs since my fill in January.

So, I can't eat much regular food; I supplement it with bad food; therefore I still consume too many calories; therefore I shed the pounds. What to do?

But in happier news, which makes me wonder if all my moaning above is pointless, when I weighed this morning I did see a new (second time around) low of

13st 10lbs - 192lbs - BMI 31.9

(a total loss so far of 70lbs - 24lbs to go)

And this is what makes me confused. Because right now, having seen this weight, I will think to myself 'Yay, that's the whole point of this band thing - you eat less, you lose some weight', but the next time I'm struggling over a few mouthfuls of something that I really want to be able to enjoy (ie dinner, most nights) I'll be thinking 'Is it worth it? I just want to eat some food and enjoy it'. Gaaaaaaaah!